PS. Mike Tyson was right
One afternoon in late August 2023, our princess Lyra was born into a pool of the finest Evian water.
Just magic. A moment I’ll never forget.
I’d really like to forget what happened next but I never will.
Before the day was out, I’d go through the 5 Scariest Moments of my adult life, including two hours of wondering if I’d be raising Lyra by myself.
Jade went from a blissfully drug free birthing pool at home to lying in hospital, pumped full of antibiotics, connected to assorted tubes and beeping machines.
We survived though, and recently celebrated the 4th trimester as our beautiful Lyra turned 12 weeks.
It’s been quite the rollercoaster ride of sleepless nights, angst filled days and incredible moments of “Omigod, omigod, omigod, we made a human being, and she’s all warm and squishy and looks at you with those eyes and, and, and… aaaaaah. I would do anything for you.”
Minutes later, this means dealing with the aftermath of a Poo-nami as she gurgles delightfully back.
Whilst our story is unique as will be yours, here are 9 tips that may save you a mountain of stress, including by far the most satisfying purchase I’ve ever made — and it cost a trifling £7.99 ($10).
Of course, you won’t avoid stress entirely. That’s bundled with parenthood like an unwanted cable TV add-on.
But to be forewarned is to be forearmed…
1. Best Practice, Averages and Guidelines can be misleading
“Quy, call the doula,” Jade said as she grimaced at the pain of another contraction.
“You sure?” I queried, consulting a meticulously prepared table of guidelines on the time between contractions and other indicators.
If you call the doula/midwife too early, they spend hours unnecessarily waiting for the main event.
We had a birthing pool set up in the lounge. If you fill it too early, the water cools and it’s a major faff to empty out and top up.
According to at least 2 experts, it was too early.
“Just fkn do it!” she said.
Bonus tip: even if your partner doesn’t normally swear…
Kathryn our doula arrived shortly and went up to the bedroom where Jade was. I started to fill the pool.
Kathryn came down. “I think Jade might give birth soon. How’s the pool?”
The blood drained from my face. I was 20 minutes into the 90 minutes it took.
“You had one job, Quy. One job,” I berated myself as I envisioned Jade giving birth on the bed. A waterpool freebirth was what she had her heart set on and we’d spent months preparing for.
F*ck, f*ck, f*ck. Noooo.
I’d not been this scared of what might happen next in a long time.
As I desperately paced up and down, cursing the slow trickle from the hose leading to the kitchen tap, it suddenly hit me.
Evian had been on promotion the previous week. I’d stocked up and we still had 15 large bottles.
I tipped the lot into the pool and sprinted upstairs to let Jade know.
And breathe (me).
Trust your (partner’s) instincts. Averages are by definition not true for the majority of cases.
2. Mike Tyson was right
“Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face.”
– MT
We had plans galore. Spreadsheets, spreadsheets of spreadsheets, ticklists, guidelines, procedures. On the iPad, on printouts, on my phone as a backup.
We’d watched numerous videos of birthing pools in action. The mother-to-be is often leant over the side, calmly breathing in controlled patterns as mantras are invoked, candles lit, and soothing music sets the tone. Sometime her partner gets in and holds her, feeding her a nutritious and delicious homemade snack.
I had swimming trunks, snacks and Spotify playlists ready to go but just like the football team at high school, the callup never happened.
Barely half an hour after Jade had got in the pool, she reached between her legs, looked up and said, “I think she’s breech.”
My heart was in my mouth as Second Scary Moment punched me in the face.
All I knew was that ‘breech’, where the baby’s feet are coming out first instead of its head, is not ideal. It often means a long protracted birth and often leads to a caesarian — for which you need to be in hospital. A caesarian was sky high on the leaderboard of Undesirable Events.
Then literally a couple of minutes later, Jade reached down again. When her hands came up, they held our baby daughter.
My heart melted as Lyra looked up at the big bright world and took her first breaths.
Expect the unexpected.
3. Prepare everything
Even though none of the poolside paraphernalia was used, it’s clearly better to be prepared and not need it.
The one thing we’d not done, even though it was on a recommended list, was an overnight bag in case we had to go to hospital…
Although the birth itself went flawlessly, two hours later we were still waiting for the placenta to come out.
Jade went to the bathroom and came back as I was still laying down new sheets, the old ones drenched with blood from what we thought was the placenta coming through.
“Wait I’m not done…”
I didn’t finish my sentence as my wife collapsed onto me, passing out from loss of blood.
Third Scary Moment, I’ll never forget you.
Kathryn consulted a senior midwife who immediately advised us to call the emergency services.
Cue Fourth Scary Moment as I sat in the back of the ambulance, cradling Lyra against my bare chest.
Jade was on a stretcher in front, her back to us, oxygen mask on, having passed out again as she tried to get off the bed.
No words were said as I willed the ambulance with every atom of my being to go faster.
Kathryn had thrown together a basic overnight bag, but it was painfully ironic that the one thing we thought we didn’t need…
On the other hand, I have this quirky obsession that I never let my phone battery drop below 80%, and get cross with Jade when she doesn’t do the same.
“What if there’s a fire and we have to run out into the street?”
As I waited for Jade to emerge from the operating theatre, alone with Lyra and my thoughts (Fifth Scary Moment), I’d never been so grateful to have a full battery.
Prepare everything and keep your phone charged.
PS. Jade had a ‘retained placenta’ which affects 1–3% of births and is completely independent of the homebirth / waterbirth factors.
4. The 4th Trimester will be tougher than the Navy SEALS hell week*
*I imagine. Based on what I’ve seen on the telly.
We had every gadget conceivable, from a room thermometer, helpfully colour coded to let you know if it’s too hot/cold, to a waist height nappy changing unit that transformed into a baby bath, and a Rockit that gently rocked the cot.
We had a spare bedroom that I slept in, so that at least one of us was vaguely functioning the next day.
My work allowed me to have more or less open ended paternity leave.
And yet…
We struggled. We really struggled.
All routine and normality go out the window. The day is spent catering to the baby’s every need, sleep deprivation making every thought feel like wading in thick treacle. Before you know it, it’s night time again.
That saying, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’?
I get it now. But only after listening to a Rangan Chatterjee podcast about the dearth of sleep in modern society.
No amount of gadgets or time off work can compensate for a supporting cast of grandparents and relatives who take the baby whilst you catch up on precious shuteye.
A couple we know, two kids in, refer to the immediate post-birth period as being ‘in the trenches’.
It helps massively to think of it that way. Knowing that every parent goes through this and you’ve got to soldier on, whatever the situation throws at you.
It will get better. You’ve just got to get through it.
5. Your relationship will be tested
A direct consequence of the above…
Jade and I both avoid unnecessary conflict. We like to keep the peace and have so many shared values it wasn’t many dates in before I knew I’d be proposing one day. We often finish each other’s sentences (not in public, that’s just annoying).
During the first two weeks, we snapped at each other more than we’d done in the previous 8 years. It was quite disconcerting, given how harmonious we normally are.
We’re now aware that every couple we know has had their relationship tested in this way.
I’d really recommend something that Jordan Peterson espouses:
- Schedule regular date nights
- Make a point of talking to each other for at least 40 minutes a week — otherwise it’s easy for days then months to fly by where all you’re doing is housework and baby stuff.
Also, your partner’s body is going through changes on a par with hitting puberty, and your own brain is experiencing significant rewiring.
Take a deep breath if/when you fall out and remember what’s causing it.
6. Time will pass so quickly
So many people said this to us it became a slightly irritating cliché:
“Enjoy every moment, it’ll be over before you know it.”
The thing about clichés is, they’re true.
Our little girl has already outgrown two sizes of nappies, and I know it’s not long before she’s too big to snuggle on my chest when she sleeps.
Then not long before she’s asking me to drop her off down from the school gates so her friends don’t see me. Probably.
So I say to you,
“Enjoy every moment, it’ll be over before you know it.”
7. Get to a sling library
A sling gives you both hands back — something you don’t really appreciate until you spend significant time with one hand holding your little sprog.
A sling library (there are 150 in the UK and a quick Google search tells me they’re also prevalent in the USA) will let you try out several and borrow one to make sure it’s just right before you commit to a purchase.
Our sling library had 800 different types of slings (!)
Trust me, it’s worth trying a few to get one that’s just right for you.
8. The best £7.99 / $10 I ever spent
This is not an affiliate link — I get nothing if you buy one, other than the satisfaction of knowing you’ll thank me for it one day 😊
At some point your beloved bundle of joy will catch a cold.
I can assure you there are few things so distressing as hearing your child struggle to breathe because they don’t have the motor skills to blow their nose.
One tube of this ingenious gizmo goes into their nostril and you suck through the other. The pot ensures the offending snot doesn’t go in your mouth.
As a further tip, get some baby friendly saline solution which loosens any dried mucus before extraction.
I can assure you there are few things so satisfying as clearing your baby’s breathing apparatus.
9. You won’t have the answers
There’s a well known saying in self-care literature, ‘it’s ok to not be ok’.
Please know that it’s ok to not know.
I heard a parenting expert on a podcast say how after a while you can tell from your baby’s cries what it is that they want.
Erm, no.
I have to work through a process of elimination every time. Nappy change? Hungry? Tired? No apparent reason?
Then a senior female relative, who’d successfully raised several fine human beings, let on that she never ever worked out the difference between the cries.
When Jade was in hospital, several of the midwives and nurses reassured us that they had also gone through issues with their child requiring hospital visits, and were completely baffled at the time as to what was up.
These are medical professionals, specialists in childcare. Let that sink in.
When Jade was pregnant, we were at a wedding and this lovely couple were talking to us about their honeymoon.
They’d met a couple who’d cracked the code of parenting.
Everything the (second) couple did with their firstborn just worked, and s/he grew up to be a wonderful specimen of a human being.
Said couple documented their technique on social media, sharing their wisdom to all and sundry, and building up a large following.
They then had a second child.
Who turned out to be a little sh$t.
Said couple went back to social media and posted a long apology:
“We’re really sorry you thought we had all the answers. Turns out, we just struck lucky with our first child.”
And there you go.
Good luck.
