“The purpose of our lives is to be happy.”
– Dalai Lama
“Stop trying to be happy.”
– Mark Manson
“Whoever you are, you want to be happy. It’s a human desire about as basic as the drive to take the next breath.”
– Mo Gawdat
“Happiness makes you impulsive and stupid.”
– Dr. Jordan Peterson
“If you can be blissed out, no matter what’s happening around you, that is success.”
– Sadhguru
“Humans are not built to be in a constant happy state.”
– Dr. Julie Smith
Six very smart people I really look up to. Awkward.
Philosophers, priests, poets, psychologists and biologists have pondered over the millennia what it is that makes us happy (Harari 2011). Yet for all the collective time and effort, there remains no definitive concept, never mind how to measure it.
Per the above, many are those who question whether it’s even something you should want.
I do. I absolutely do want.
It’s why Part 2 contains a roadmap to Health and Wealth. Without them, whatever you want from life is going to be that much more of a challenge.
Also why Part 3 presents some breathtakingly inspirational people and useful concepts around the many facets of happiness.
For now though, let’s park all the theory because frankly it can make your head hurt. Time to have some fun and go…
BACK TO BASICS
Justice Potter famously said of pornography, “I know it when I see it.” Similarly, you know happiness when you feel it.
Happiness is specific to the person.
Whilst many go all gooey at the sight of a puppy or newborn baby, legion are those who see nothing but a mobile poo machine with a high propensity for getting hairs or vomit on your freshly ironed top.
Country & western music does the square root of nothing for me. Ditto for stamp collecting. But for many other souls, they awaken passions that my heart reserves for uplifting vocal trance music and playing the piano.
No two people have exactly the same combination of things that repel and attract, not even twins. We are all uniquely analogue, our characters shaped by where we came from (nature) but also what we have lived (nurture).
That said, I’m going to take an educated guess that the following will probably resonate with you too (if they don’t, we can still be friends but there might be moments of awkward silence):
Love (when Jade and I formalised ours)
Weddings are naturally supercharged with positivity, the day itself a Greatest Hits compilation of things that make us smile.
For obvious reasons you don’t want to be doing them too often (weddings, not smile inducing activities) but that’s ok because the rich tapestry of daily life yields an unending multitude of things capable of making us happy. Rare are the mornings I don’t wake up early without an alarm clock, eager to experience what the day holds.
- Good food, good conversation
- Quality time with your significant other
- Listening to music
- Going to a concert / gig / festival
- Dancing (at a gig / in a club / the kitchen when no-one’s watching)
- A good workout at the gym
- A hot post-workout shower
- Learning an interesting fact
- Stand up comedy
- A good read
- A good film
- Smiling at a stranger who smiles back
- Receiving a compliment (especially from a random person)
- Giving a compliment
- A random act of kindness (to a friend, to a stranger in the street)
- Walking Starla
- When Starla eats all her food
- Making breakfast for my wife
If happiness is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
“I think life’s beautiful. I think the world is amazing. I love people, animals, art, every hobby. I can’t believe my luck that I’m alive.”
– Ricky Gervais
What would qualify for your Happy List?
Take a few minutes to write down what makes you happy. Anything that completes the phrase, “I feel happy when ______________”
Revisit this List regularly – diarise it if you need to. Besides helping you identify what’s good in your life (and whether you’re giving the time/energy it deserves), there is a proven benefit:
“The very act of creating your Happy List makes for a very happy experience… [doing this regularly] cultivates something that psychologists say contributes to happiness over the long haul: an attitude of gratitude.”
– Mo Gawdat, Solve for Happy
In perusing your list be aware of this critical nuance: no event happens in isolation. The context of your expectations matters, because it’s not the event that makes you (un)happy, it’s how you think about it (Gawdat 2016).
Happiness = Perceived Reality – Expectations
This was the essence of my own awakening at the age of 19 when I realised I wasn’t alone and destitute, but rich and loved.
Then again at the age of 30 with the epiphany that I could look back on my broken marriage as a monumental failure, or an important phase of my journey to learn and grow from.
It’s a huge reason why social media can be so pernicious – they set our expectations of lives and bodies based on the filtered, carefully curated and totally unrealistic images that we see of other people.
We’ll explore techniques to help shape your perceptions and expectations in Mind Control and Reframing & Relativity.
Also be wary of the difference between things that make you happy, and things you think will make you happy.
“Most of our happiness scripts come from somewhere else. We didn’t write them ourselves. Someone else did. They didn’t really teach us how to be happy, either. They teach us how to consume.”
– Jessica Wildfire
The piece that came from, I Know Exactly Why You’re Not Happy, JW at her insightful best, is most definitely worth 9 minutes of your time.
Happiness: bad?!
Zooming out of the details to take a bird’s eye view, it seems obvious that happiness in and of itself is a good thing. We all want this, right?
I was greatly surprised to learn one day that many don’t. Seeing an intellectual hero of mine be very vocal and specific in their Youtube critique of happiness, it floored me. Because it was them, and because their words made sense.
I thought of little else for weeks as I frantically revisited its validity as a life goal – something blithely assumed as universal, such was my empathy with it.
Panic over. Validity reaffirmed.
You see, broadly speaking, there are two types of happiness deniers.
The first say ‘Don’t try to be happy’ at least partly to be contrarian. Sensationalist headlines will always attract more clicks and reads than stating the obvious, ‘It’s nice to be happy’.
When you dig into the detail, their point is how to pursue/create/find happiness. In other words just dancing around the semantics. The end goal is… to be happy.
The second type, them what triggered this quasi-existential crisis of mine, are more robust if ultimately unjustified in their proclamation. They opine that ‘Happiness is wrong, you should seek meaning instead’.
Meaning = eudaimonia
to give its posh name.
For those not already familiar with this, many have long considered happiness to fall into one of two camps: hedonia and eudaimonia.
“
Hedonic well-being is generally agreed to be:
- life satisfaction
- happiness
- positive affect
Eudaimonic well-being is somewhat less agreed-upon; it is often equated with
- meaning in life
- purpose in life
- although some theorists would also add:
- engagement
- flow
- self-acceptance
- autonomy
- environmental mastery
- positive relationships with others
- personal growth
- the satisfaction of basic needs such as competence, autonomy, and relatedness
”
– Oishi et al (2019)
Wait a minute… this says happiness is a component of hedonism.
Didn’t we just assert that hedonia and eudaimonia are the two main dimensions of happiness?! The image of a snake eating its tail comes to mind.
“Happiness is such an overloaded word. I’m not even sure what it means.”
– Naval Ravikant
“The idea of happiness has been hijacked over the years by an elusive fairytale of constant pleasure and satisfaction with life.”
– Dr. Julie Smith
Herein lies the confusion:
- Some say ‘happiness’ as a synonym for ‘hedonism’ – pleasure, enjoyment, satisfaction and the absence of distress.
- Others, myself included, use ‘happiness’ as an umbrella term for wellbeing which comprises hedonism and eudaimonia.
Obviously within the pages of this Guide, the latter reign supreme.
Your right to enjoy life / you’re right to enjoy life
There are many belief systems especially religions where eudaimonic ideals are lauded whilst hedonism is denounced as undesirable. Sinful even. Ouch.
This isn’t surprising. Having everyone be all meaningful and purposeful usually benefits the system and those running it, whilst hedonism is predicated on the enjoyment of the individual.
I guess they object to someone having fun that they don’t get anything from.
From individual dissenters, a typical comment is “Tried fun once. Didn’t like it. Therefore, you shouldn’t either.”
This evokes the textbook response to those who say sex is overrated.
“You’re not doing it right.”
Here’s the real moral question: Do you think everyone has an overriding duty to give back to the world/society? That each person has a moral obligation to make something of themselves?
If so, it follows that hedonism is a potentially catastrophic distraction and should be dissuaded. Can’t fault the logic.
If, however, you believe individuals have a right to do what they want, as long as they are not harming others, then hedonia is just as valid as eudaimonia.
ESPECIALLY IF (sorry for shouting, this bit’s important to me) YOU’RE ALSO PURSUING A MEANINGFUL LIFE.
If I can rub my belly whilst patting my head, I can certainly sign up to both eudaimonia and hedonism. Life is to be lived.
Life is too precious not to do something meaningful with it. It’s also too precious not to be enjoyed wherever possible.
When someone says, “You should seek a virtuous life of meaning, not a life of happiness,”
I say,
| “I beg to differ. Firstly, you mean you disapprove of ‘hedonism’ not ‘happiness’. Happiness is a feeling of wellbeing that includes the virtuous life you speak of, eudaimonia, as well as hedonism. Secondly, there is no morally justifiable reason for suppressing hedonistic desires, as long as they are not harming others. What’s next – free speech? The right to vote? Thirdly, nor is it self-evident that there is always a tradeoff as frequently implied by proponents of eudaimonia: Eudaimonia or Hedonism. Purpose or Fun. That’s just nonsense. You can, you should have both. Some of the most successful people who ever lived looked back and wished they’d had fun too (Senra 2022).” |
Usually at this point Jade gets our coats and calls a taxi.
Just kidding. All that goes down in the Mind. What I actually say is, “OK, cool. Whatever floats your boat dude.”
“I’m not here to persuade people against their beliefs. I’m here to show others like me that they’re not alone.”
– A meme I saw. I’m paraphrasing (it was a while ago)
It’s clear some are simply saying that you shouldn’t value pleasure over meaning. I completely agree.
However there is often a puritan avoid-pleasure-completely approach which is unjustifiable and backfires when desires take over anyway because then everything else you said is also discredited.
Three is not a crowd
Not only is there room for both eudaimonia and hedonism, there is a third category of happiness, namely a psychologically rich life.
A psychologically rich life is best characterised by variety, novelty, and interest.
One problem with happy and meaningful lives is that both can be monotonous and repetitive.
A person with a steady – perhaps even rewarding – 9-to-5 job, happily married with children, may have a happy and, in many respects, meaningful life, but not necessarily a life rich in diverse experiences.
Recent studies show that people dislike the state of boredom so much so that some are even willing to give themselves a painful electric shock rather than sit idly.
– Oishi et al (2020)
Whilst relatively new to the world of academia, ‘psychological richness’ passes the ‘does it feel right?’ test with flying colours. I’ve long been conscious of this as a powerful driver for all the male Tiens I know (dad, brother, me) but previously classed it as ‘hedonic’, when only aware of that and eudaimonia as the options.
If Robert Waldinger, professor of psychiatry, zen priest and director of the world’s longest study of happiness, also thinks it’s in a class of its own (Modern Wisdom 578), that’s a home run for me.
When we cover the 6 Emotional Needs in Part 3, we’ll see that ‘variety, novelty and interest’ are the ‘Need for Uncertainty’, further validating psychological richness as a cardinal driver of our wants and desires.
Happiness Propensity
If we charted the three dimensions to create a mental model of happiness, it might look like this:
Or with more user friendly labelling:
Do you have that list of things that make you happy to hand?
Fab. For each entry, consider which of the three categories apply. Some might fit into more than one dimension – that’s ok.
Are there any that don’t fit anywhere and require a new category? No problem. Add the category, call it what you want. It’s your construct after all, its purpose is to help you visualise the bigger picture.
Soul purpose
Naval Ravikant, pre-eminent polymath of the digital age, defines happiness as when you don’t feel like something is missing (Ravikant 2020).
As with so much else, I think he’s nailed it. I also see that ‘something’ as a sense of fulfilling your soul purpose.
The soul is the final objective setter within the Mind Body Soul triad. When you’re not doing what it intends for your existence, it lets you know by way of a deep rooted sensation that things are not right.
When you’re aligned with your soul purpose, this is happiness.
I love the concept of dharma from Vedic philosophy. According to Deepak Chopra this is what Joseph Campbell meant by ‘follow your bliss’.
“The word dharma is an ancient Sanskrit word that refers to your soul’s purpose—the big reason why you are here. It’s not just what you do, but how you do it, and why you do it.
Your dharma is not a career, or a project, or a certain role you play. It’s the unique vibration that your soul carries to everything that you do and every way that you are.
For instance, someone’s dharma can be to bring beauty to the world, and how they do it can look in so many different ways, such as through being an artist, an interior designer, or a hairstylist.“
– Sahara Rose
Such a beautiful way of putting it.
Doing things that make you happy is to respond to your soul purpose. As your soul is the highest instance of you, fulfilling its purpose is the meaning of life, and therefore ranks before all other axioms.
This clarity of definition is important because it sidesteps the over-familiar and misguided debate of whether hedonism is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.
Granted there is a debate to be had concerning the extent to which people should be protected from themselves. But if someone is compos mentis and this is what they desire, then live and let live should be the one principle to rule them all.
At certain stages of your life, usually but not always and not uniquely your teenage and early adult years, the need for hedonism burns bright like excess energy you need to burn off. Like a thoroughbred racehorse pawing at the ground to be raced.
Eventually you settle. Hedonism almost inevitably falls by the wayside of life’s journey (though some say it never entirely goes away) as eudaimonia takes its place in the sun.
Russell Brand’s journey from drug addict and fame chasing celebrity to teetotal family man on a mission to lift humanity, is a story for the ages.
Naturally, the devil is in the detail.
What is your purpose?
How do you know if it’s your genuine purpose or just an emotional reaction?
I know this isn’t very helpful, but you just do. When you know, the certainty is there.
The key is introspective contemplation. A greater awareness of your values helps identify what truly makes you happy. I recommend Chapter 33 in Dr Julie Smith’s Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before as an excellent guide to establishing your values.
How is this useful?
At some point you’ll stop exploring life (partners, friends, jobs, where to live, hobbies, foods…). Or rather, it will become increasingly difficult to explore. By then, the more you’ve tried, the more you’ve got to choose from when identifying what makes you truly happy.
Realising that happiness is the highest objective for your highest self allows you to properly contextualise concerns that might otherwise take on too much significance:
- Money
- Fame (Likes, Views, Follows, other measures of online popularity)
- People’s opinions
You stop chasing metrics that don’t matter. Things that don’t matter lose their ability to affect you emotionally.
This is a powerful level of existence to attain.
And if that resonated with you, allow me to point you towards Marc and Angel. They don’t get bogged down in whether happiness is right, they just get on with it.
Happy reading… 😊
