For more than eleven years my Saturdays would start when I went to bed at 9pm.
A thirty minute power nap following a light dinner. Carefully planned to have the calories to cover me til Monday but nothing so substantive I’ll regret it on a night of vigorous movement.
I’m on my feet by the third ring of the alarm. I check Whatsapp and emails on the phone for last minute changes to plans… no news is good news.
Quick shower, everything’s already packed, I’m good to go in twenty minutes.
Depending on the city, I’ll get to the club anytime between 11pm and midnight. The doors haven’t been open long, but it’s filling fast with hundreds of single minded party goers.
I walk to the front of the queue, greeting the door staff by name as they unhook the barrier cord and wave me through.
My heart is steady but elevated like it knows there’s a workout to follow. My stomach tingles with excitement. What a time to be alive.
You can feel the frisson in the air and it’s clear no one is thinking about anything remotely work related. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living, where you come from or how you identify - we’re all here for one reason.
We dance as one til dawn, united by the rhythm and the bass, exiting the club en masse as the rising sun heralds the morning. The crowd scatters to the 4 corners of the city and beyond, each deeply satisfied with another notch on the social bedpost, another night of the rawest connections.
Some go home to feed pets or children. Others go on to afterparties of all shapes and sizes, from intimate smokeathons with chilled beats and a couple of friends, to organised mayhem involving top notch sound systems and actual dance floors.
Sunday would not be a productive day, and everyone’s already planned accordingly.
When Facebook made us happy
These were the early days of FB, before your nan and Sue from Accounts joined. Not only did it indicate you were reasonably switched on, it was perfect for meeting randoms on the dance-floor.
After names, Facebook ID’s were the most asked question, and that’s if it hadn’t already been offered by way of natural conversation. One accepted Friend Request later, often within minutes of the physical meeting, you’re connected. Another opening to a new sea of possibilities.
I lived by myself and was single, but never lonely. I had few ‘real’ friends but nearly five thousand Facebook contacts and not a weekend to myself. Every moment on the commute, every break, every meal, was spent catching up on how Everyone was. And telling them how great my life was.
Who cares if the optics in both directions were filtered and airbrushed to the max? It was all part of the game. Everyone knows this, right?
My happiness propensity looked like this:
Was I happy? Abso-fkn-lutely.
Did I feel a nagging sense that something was missing and I should be making more of my life?
Can’t say that I did.
Besides, something happened which determined once and for all how I look back on this era.
It was at our beloved SpeedQueen in Leeds that I first spoke to Jade in the summer of 2014.
This means I regret nothing about my entire life leading up to then.
Every thought, every decision led me to that dance floor in that moment. None of it can be wrong.
Then just like that…
Ironically, meeting Jade was also the beginning of the transition away from the life that had defined me for so long.
It could have gone the other way, as has happened with couples we know.
We could have gone on a hedonic spiral, bouncing off each other’s energy, encouraged by the fact we knew the same DJ’s, promoters and clubbers, and liked the same type of events.
We both had disposable income and a never-ending stream of invitations to events the length of the M62, from Leeds thru Manchester to Liverpool. And of course every summer, the pull of Ibiza.
Hideout Festival. Miami Winter Music Conference. Burning Man. Machu Picchu. Hmmmm….
Instead, our thoughts instinctively turned to family building very soon after committing our exclusivity to each other. Our internal compasses had shifted in unison.
We never made a conscious decision to stop going out, we just tried less hard to make it happen. It’s not long before Life elbows everything out of the way e.g. Things We Used To Do.
You’ve changed
We were recently offered VIP passes to a club event of the sort that used to dominate our social lives. Free priority entry, great music guaranteed with DJ’s we knew, only 15 minutes into town… whaddaya fink?
Although Jade wasn’t pregnant yet, we made excuses so as not to offend, and stayed in to watch TV and play with Starla.
I mean, how could you tear yourself away from this…?
We were both in bed by 11pm just as people we used to party with were having their first drinks in the club.
The most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done (yet)
There is something so tremendously rewarding about nurturing a young life through its early years (first bath, first Xmas)…
It takes you over, it dominates any attempt to prioritise or plan other parts of your life.
Club nights have been replaced by walks in fields as the highlight of my week, even though quite often I’m holding a bag of poo.
For all the intense emotions on hundreds of dance-floors and countless afterparties, it pales in comparison to the contentment I get from walking Starla.
Or a quiet night in with a book, Jade by my side, and The Furry One hoping for the yoghurt pot when she’s done with it.
Life is now about making sure my family has what it needs to flourish, and giving back to the universe wherever and whenever I can.
When I wasn’t looking, my soul yearnings had evolved into this:
I don’t miss the hedonic nights nor do I regret them. They were a necessary step in getting to who I am today.
They’re packed full of fond memories, the high that comes from crossing paths with the most wonderful people, the satisfaction of knowing that those people will also be looking back on their memories with a smile.
Also that’s also not to say pleasure no longer has a role to play. Only rather than head out to a club, I find ecstasy in playing the piano with the sun on my face.
PS Jade has asked me to clarify that we are not saying we will never go out out again.
Looking at key stages of my life below, you can see an inverse relationship between hedonia and eudaimonia, the latter coming into its own over time, as the former starts strong before easing away.
This seems to be a common evolution, across genders and geographies.
Indeed Facebook’s Newsfeed tells me that it’s practically a trope.
From party central
to settled
to nest building
to family building.
From enjoyment of the self to a lifetime of putting others first.
It’s a familiar, heart warming trajectory that is the essence of human meaning.
I wish it on everyone, from my dearest friends to those I don’t give any thought to.
PS.
and this is a VERY BIG PS.
Until very recently it wasn’t even my path (and I was at peace with where I thought my life was going). It took meeting with Jade to awaken it within me. Now I’m here, it’s kinda easy to shout about it.
Without the right person, it can swiftly and catastrophically swing from the sublime to the torturous.
What I can say is, it’s worth finding the right person for.
I’ve experienced pleasure and meaning in more ways than I should admit to, and this is in a different league to them all. I’ve never felt more relaxed and assured of the path that I’m on. It feels like my soul has come home.
We’ll walk through a quick & easy thought exercise further below, to help visualise your own journey.
Your personal journey is exactly that – unique to you. That said, some things are universal
Three Truths You Should Be Aware Of
First, you will change and in ways you could not have foreseen at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. And it’s sure better than no sight.
Secondly, each shift to a different stage happens organically and subconsciously.
You don’t sit down and think, “Right, this is what’s going to make me happy from now on.”
Rather, you realise one day that you are a certain way and have been for some time.
It’s like the colour spectrum. You can see where the different colours are, but the exact point at which red stops being red is… debatable and a matter of opinion.
Thirdly, you never stop changing. The person you are today will not always be the person looking back at you in the mirror.
You will always be a work in progress.
Embrace it.
How is this useful?
What made us deliriously happy in years gone by might not even elicit a corner smile today.
What we once dismissed as boring and irrelevant might now be central to our enjoyment of life.
This means we need to periodically check in on ourselves…
Are we leading the lives we are meant to lead? Are we fulfilling our soul purpose?
If you’re not sure how to start, try this:
| Find some ‘me time’ where you can shut out the busy world and get down to some contemplative inquiry. It doesn’t have to be a deep spiritual meditation (although that definitely has its benefits). It could be as simple as writing a list of where you’d like to be in 5 years. Clichéd but effective. Try these prompts: What would you do, if you were given: – the day off with no responsibilities – an unlimited budget – anyone you wanted to keep you company (even if you don’t currently know them) Project your mind into any scenario where time, money and companionship are no object, and see what comes to the fore. Your Body and Soul will make themselves known. |
Write out your ‘desires history’ in blocks of time - usually 5 years or more, but completely up to you. This is about laying out significant periods in the arc of your personal development.
Here’s mine:
| Age | Greatest Desires |
| 5-12 | Be accepted |
| 13-18 | Be acceptedEstablish identity Make moneyHave sexSee what’s out there |
| 19-30 | Find meaningFind a girlfriendMake moneyHave Fun |
| 31-40 | Have Fun |
| 41-45 | Get Jade to marry meWorking with the A TeamRediscovering the piano |
| 46+ | ParenthoodMaintaining fitness / piano |
Next level:
Have another trip down happy memory lane, this time have two columns for each time period.
One for ‘things that would have made me happy’ and one for ‘things that did make me happy’.
For the people and events that made you happy, try and recreate the feeling you had at the time.
- What made you feel good about it?
- Any regrets?
This can bring up any unfulfilled desires.
Is it worth doing anything about them now?
How much will this bother you if you never get to do them?
Will you regret not doing it?
